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Eiga Sentai Scanranger

Eiga Sentai Scanranger
Sailor Apollo
Koishi Herikawa

Joined: 17 Jun 2002
Posts: 677
Location: Brisbane, Queensland, Australia

PostPosted: Fri Jan 08, 2016 10:30 pm    Post subject: Eiga Sentai Scanranger Reply with quote
This one's an old fanfic by some guy named Vince Jones, archived here.

Because I am an absolute glutton for punishment (both through enduring crap like this and annoying people with reviews of it), here is my drawn-out piece.

First off, the thing we should understand is that it was written in 1997, and is therefore somewhat influenced by the sentai series of the time, Denji Sentai Megaranger. The next thing to note is that the author, at the time, absolutely hated Power Rangers...and yet despite this, the fanfic actually takes several cues from both franchises.

We'll start by listing the characters. These are a bunch of film geeks who basically try to conform to the usual Five-Man Band dynamic...and in our eyes they likely fail miserably.

First up is RedScanner, Vin Furumatsu Henderson AKA Vin Harlock. The Hero, who draws his power from action movies. Or, well, swashbucklers, since his main weapon is a sword.

BlueScanner, Ben "B.C." Shimamoto, is next. He's supposed to be the comic relief guy, and his powers are drawn from comedy...except that his powers are drawn from Hays-Code era comedies and he's an annoying character in general. Also, his "jokes" make no sense at all.

Then there's YellowScanner, Kunio "Mikey" Mikimoto. I think he's supposed to be the Big Guy or something like that. He later gets replaced in the role (like, oh, I don't know...Trini Kwan, Aisha Campbell, Jason Lee Scott, Billy Cranston, Zack Taylor, Kimberley Hart....the list goes on...) by Carmen Diaz. Because of course the story has to have two female Rangers (although, in fairness to this, Megaranger also had a girl Yellow Ranger). And like all non-Pink female rangers, she's less feminine.

Next up, because I'm not formulating this before I write it, is GreenScanner, Nick Simonds. He's the 2IC and the Smart Guy. He's powered by special effects. I kid you not.

And finally we have PinkScanner, Toni Montanez. Who is empowered by musicals.

I should note, because this is odd for a story claiming to hate Power Rangers, that the cast is a white guy, a black guy, two Asians, a Hispanic girl and a Filipino girl.

They're mentored by Lt. Cmdr. Professor Daphne "Alex" Alexandria, head of Project Paramount. Well, we can assume that at least, although even a cursory glance at Star Trek will tell us that a LCDR is not the highest rank.

Oh, and because Megaranger is a thing, the sixth ranger is SilverScanner, Takeshi Hayata

Their opponents are a mob called MAYHEM, which stands for "Mechanical Androids Yoked Hither to Eliminate/Enslave Mankind". I am dead serious.

MAYHEM is led by Blackorg, a guy who has the market cornered on both dumb names and idiotic strategies (he'll usually pull them out as they're winning). It eventually turns out that he's an evil alien who killed Alex's husband and usurped his body.

Next up is General Ug, a caveman from Earth (this is important). Of course, he is dumb muscle.

And then there's Commander Vixen, the sole female member. Like Megaranger's Shiborena, she's a cyborg. And she has accomplices named Cyrus Borg and Andy Roy (geddit?). Also of Earth origin (are you paying attention here?).

Finally, we have Anark Key (geddit?). General punk.

There is a mascot character, Byte, who is styled after Megaranger's Bibidebi. Byte, like Bibidebi, makes monsters grow. And General TriloByte, but we'll talk about him later.

Now, with that out of the way, on with the fic!

....I am a vampire and here's a million dollars.

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Sailor Apollo
Koishi Herikawa

Joined: 17 Jun 2002
Posts: 677
Location: Brisbane, Queensland, Australia

PostPosted: Sat Jan 16, 2016 2:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
Episode one-the extended version of "World Broadcast Premiere! Soldiers of the Silver Screen"

It's "extended" because a capsule form was originally published on the main page. And yes, this kind of insane titling will continue.

Dateline:Somerset County-New Jersey

The main setting of the piece is America's Brisbane. It's every bit as uninteresting as that sounds.

The campus of Central New Jersey University-Home of the 'Crimson Crusaders.. Well known for its mix of academic excellence as well as its athletics, like Princeton, the college focuses strictly on the academics.

We're only a paragraph in and we've got a contradiction here. This is going to be a loooong fic, folks.

This area is well known for its blendings of different cultures(not like a certain Columbus University which totally made the writer very angry) The town next to it has a vast entertainment center, with different cultural events, Rock and roll,jazz, R&B, Rap, Opera, etc. Even sports events- a minor league team plays in this town.

Yes, the place is a geographical Mary Sue.

Meanwhile, we have to meet our heroes, who film class. And, like all film classes, they're having an obligatory showing of Casablanca. Now, I love Rick and Ilse as much as the next afficionado (although for whatever reason I cannot sit through The Maltese Falcon. The weird thing is, though, that the film is just finishing when the Professor decides to give this spiel:

"This movie, made in 1942-expressed the mood of the world as America itself entered World War II.. and we see the protagonist, Rick, trying to escape America by leaving Paris, before France surrendered to the Germans, and in the process, tried to escape his problems..What happened as you see, is the lady of his life coming back, and it makes him question himself.. Shall he get invoved in a relationship with Ilsa, or stay neutral like the rest of the country?'" Professor Alexandria explains to the class of 23.

OK, all well and good, except you're giving a lecture about something they've just seen. And you're just saying something that could easily have been picked up from a film analysis book. If you're going to discuss something interesting, have a bunch of college students watching Eraserhead and picking apart all the symbolism.

"Next week.." she continued. "We'll jump to the genre of independent films and its explosion in the 1990's..

Quite a jump there. Basically, you're jumping from Casablanca to Clerks and Go Fish (the latter's the quintessential lesbian flick of the 90s).

As the class breaks, on the bulletin board, most of the students check their scores on their recent term paper. Five pupils had an asterisk next to their name that said to meet Professor "Alex" in her office. It read, 'The following students are to meet after class for further details on their test scores:

Vin Harlock

Kunio Mikimoto

Toni Montanez

Ben Shimamura

Nick Simonds

And here we get the author's Japanophile tendencies: where checking a billboard for results happens in Japanese schools, the times when I did it at my American school involved a code name.

But enough of the introduction, it's now time to get to the plot.

Meanwhile, high above the Earth, a U.S. satelitte is floating in space. The two astronauts on their mission is returning collecting different asteroids, checking for radiation.

The what now? Well, let's avoid getting into the awful grammar there...but two astronauts are on a satellite, returning from a mission, collecting asteroids. You can pick one, but putting all three of those together is just stupid (and also you should expect radiation in space. It's part of the reason for space suits). Oh, and one of the guys is named Nick. Like our supposed hero, except this guy is just random.

"How's the weather outside, Akira?" asked Nick. "Beautiful blue skies.." said Akira. "Got any activity?" "No.. I haven't.. Wait! I see some kind of dark fortress, right above us!"

"It looks like some kind of mechanical spider or something.. Looks very hostile, In fact, it's heading straight for us! Call Earth control immediately!" A plasma bolt from the floating fortress hits the satellite.

"I don't like this, Nick.."

Isn't the old adage "show, don't tell"? This makes me feel like I'm watching an episode of Space Patrol. Right down to the blue skies in space. Anyway, the baddies' fortress destroys the satellite and we get a radio play where the baddies say they should not have been discovered. Except that nobody tries to attack them. Oh, and we're apparently on the moon too.

And I must digress, because as much as the author hated Power Rangers at the time...well, the heroes already spend time together and are all called on by name in the moment of their introduction, while the villains take out two astronauts (admittedly, that's a reference to Jetman, a sentai show I've yet to see). It sounds more like "Day of the Dumpster" than a sentai show opening.

Anyway, on we go:

Back on Earth, the five students asked each other about what's going on. "What's this all about? Are we in trouble or something? This is college.. There'e no such thing as staying after school here.." said Vin Harlock.

"Hey, chill out, Vin.." said Ben a.k.a. B.C. Shimamura to his friends. "I don't think it's all that bad.."

"I don't know about you guys, but I'm ready to bolt out of here.." said Nick Simonds. "Well, so do I, cause I need to get to do some studying myself.." said Toni Montanez. "Wait up, guys!" said Kunio Mikimoto. "Dear teacher's coming right now.."

That's the Red and Green Rangers being nervous, while the comic relief Blue Ranger is trying to calm them. Also, all the awful formatting is in the original.

"Great! You're all here! I apologize for holding you all up.. Thank you for coming!" said Alex. "I suppose you five are wondering about your recent test scores.. Worry not, You all passed with A plusses.

Wouldn't they all have seen that?

.But the real reason why I have you here is for me to get to know you better.. I need a few minutes from you to complete the information on this survey I'm giving you."

The five complete it minutes later, and then Alex downloads the survey on her computer. "Now, if you can all have a seat, please, brace with me for a few moments.." Alex presses a button which cuffs everyone in their chairs, It closes up and they all fall into an escape hatch. Alex and the students end up in some hideout outside the campus.

We're never told exactly what closes up around them, or how much the escape hatch encompasses (I suspect it to be some sort of Thunderbird 3-style entry?). Also, wouldn't this thing be under the campus?

Anyway, we get a standard exposition of pretty much everything I covered above, which features this gem:

"Defenders of the Earth?" said B.C. "The comic strip team?"

"No, no.." said Alex. "Project Paramount is an operation to keep aliens and other hostile extraterrestials from conquering this planet..Said operation involves using your skills and your favorite movie fantasies and make them reality-via your own willpower..Your job is to defend the Earth from this terrorist group called MAYHEM(Mechanized Androids Yoked Hither to Eliminate Mankind).

"Sounds serious.." said Toni.

"Dead serious..." said Alex.

And the first of many potshots:

"Oh! I get it now! So that's what it's all about! It all comes clear!" said Nick, with the rest thinking it's all part of their quiz. "The Commander wants us to do a play based on some kids' show.. In fact, it reminds me of the Powe-.."

"Don't say that!! That name is an insult!" said Alex.

Nick immediately apologizes. "You will be the true defenders of the Earth. You five are to be the Soldiers of the Silver Screen..You will be the Movie Task Force: SCANRANGER!" said Alex. "Scanranger?" said B.C. "Sounds like a corny name to me.."

"Would you rather be called the Powe-"

"Uhhh, never mind.." said B.C.

Now, of course, just like in "Day of the Dumpster", they're dubious. After all, who wouldn't be when your professor is basically telling you random nonsense and makng you play Power Rangers? And just like in "Day of the Dumpster", they're attacked as soon as they leave the base (by monsters known as "Kinks"). However, unlike the Power Rangers episode (where they got stuck somewhere in Nevada--a five hour drive away from LA--without a payphone nearby) they instead get stuck on a university campus, without any indication that they can't call the cops. But they go into the fight anyway, leading up to this description:

All of the five students defend themselves with the best of their abilities, just as "Alex" had hoped.

(recall that she recruited them based off of test scores that had nothing to do with self defense)

Vin uses his aikido abilities, breaking a few limbs off a Kink. B.C. uses judo to throw a couple of the robots over his head. Kunio himself applies his Shotokan karate skills, punching a Kink out as well. Nick, the non-martial artist of the five, applies wrestling techinques to two more Kinks. He applies a suplex move on top of another robot. Toni, uses kung fu, and applies a few kicks in the head. B.C. tosses a Kink to Nick, as he throws one to him, making both Kinks explode. The others make a hasty retreat and teleport.

And I apply criticism to that paragraph: It is way too repetitious.

Anyway, now to get the first of the Monsters Of The Week, in this case "CyberCreatures" whose names will all be prefixed with "Kuro". For this fic, it's KuroOctopus.

Anyway, ROLL CALL AND POSE! (well, I'm assuming they pose. We never actually get a description but this is the pose bit in Sentai/PR)

At that moment, Vin shouted, "LIGHTS! CAMERA! ACTION! SCANRANGER!"

As they load and put the cassette into play, they transform into their battlesuits, bringing the Eiga Sentai into the scene! They then reach for their right holster, and grab out their FilmBlade swords, simutaneously chop off Kuro-Octopus's arms and breaking free.

Vin became: "RedScanner! Athlete of Action and Adventure!"

B.C. became: "BlueScanner! King of Comedy!"

Kunio became: "YellowScanner! Heavy Metal Sci-fi Scourge!"

Nick became: "GreenScanner! SPFX Soldier!"

And Toni became: PinkScanner! Musical Mistress!


Cue fight scene. Weirdly, Toni attacks with a stick of gum. Is that a reference to Grease or something? This causes Nick to realize that the powers are based on will (based on no evidence whatsoever). This leads to...

"I can become a robot fighter!" said Kunio/YellowScanner. "Super Mecha!" Kunio summons up his film energy to create around him a Veritech armored warrior. He rockets through the monster as he cries, "WARP-SPEED SMASH!", punching the CyberCreature in its face.

It's been a long time since I last watched Macross, but this is the bit where the monster is human-size. A Valkyrie is huge, so Kunio is doing the equivalent of stepping on an ant.

Anyway, fight fight fight fight fight. It all gets rather drawn out and stupid. You'll have to go to the site to read it properly because I probably have limitations here. And the aftermath goes thusly:

Back in space at the fortress, the angry enigmatic being rebukes his field commanders. "My CyberCreature! Destroyed! Who's responsible for all this?"

"I-I don't know..It all happened so fast.." said the female commanding voice. "Some earthlings in multi-colored suits.. They knew about our attack, and..

They knew about it because they were there when it happened.

Oh, and we finally get our villains' names along with this line:

Failure is something that I, Blackorg, do not tolerate! I am the overlord of MAYHEM!

And yet he also does a lot of it.

We finish on our heroes, in the final scene from "Day of the Dumpster" (in fact, pretty much the only thing that ISN'T lifted from DOTD is the Megazord battle). There's no reference to Kimberly's "NOT!" joke, but there is this:

"Question, Professor.." said Kunio. "Do we get paid?"

"Do you want to graduate?"

"Then sign me up, lady.." Kunio replied.

"I don't know.." said Nick. "I've got a full schedule as it is now.. "Come on, Nick..You'll get paid, and despite your class schedule, I'll make sure that it won't interfere with your career goals as a computer programmer.." said Alex.

So do they get paid or not?

Stay tuned for episode 2, where Toni has a terrible friend, B.C. starts on the awful "hilarious" jokes that will come to define him this season, and we get things that make even less sense than in this episode!

....I am a vampire and here's a million dollars.

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